I've grown increasingly frustrated with the relentless barrage of marketing ads on social media. As a perfectionist, it's exhausting to be constantly bombarded with the message that I'm never doing enough. Whether it's the latest health trend, the perfect skincare routine, or the ideal sleep schedule, I'm constantly being told I'm falling short.
It's no secret that capitalism thrives on making us feel inadequate. Companies profit by convincing us that we need their products to be happy and successful. But what makes this even worse is the way social media algorithms target our vulnerabilities. These algorithms identify our pain points and serve us ads that capitalize on them.
For example, have you ever researched a topic on social media, only to be flooded with similar content the next day? Or watched a single skincare video, only to be bombarded with ads about toxic ingredients and miracle products tailored to your specific skin type? And as soon as you buy something, it's being replaced by the next "must-have" item.
From a young age, I believed that if I worked hard enough, I could prevent bad things from happening. To avoid uncomfortable emotions, I'd obsess over past events, striving for perfection and control. I’d replay embarrassing moments in my head to avoid making similar mistakes and shrink myself in social situations to escape the possible pain of future rejection.
This compulsive behavior, which I now recognize as overcontrol, was my way of coping with anxiety for a long time. It allowed me to both avoid uncomfortable emotions and control the narratives I had created in my head—that I wasn't lovable, worthy, or good enough. That I couldn't handle painful emotions and that fear would consume me.
Overcontrolled individuals, like myself, are detail-oriented, emotionally restrained, risk-averse, and introverted. We are the "doers," "savers," "planners," and "fixers" of the world. We are highly attuned to others' emotions and incredibly sensitive to potential threats in our environment. This explains why social media can be particularly triggering for us.
For me, and many other overcontrolled individuals, even minor criticism can significantly impact our self-esteem. And just like clockwork, as soon as we start to feel bad about ourselves, our compulsive “fixing” kicks in to save the day.
For example, an overcontrolled client of mine recently revealed that after discovering she'd gained weight at her annual doctor's appointment, she felt so terrible about herself that she signed up to meet with a personal trainer five days a week on her drive home. I've acted on similar compulsions, like buying sleeping products that were believed to "cure" hypersomnia, only to discover time and time again that there's no easy fix for my excessive daytime sleepiness.
So the question then becomes how do we, as overcontrolled individuals, fight back against this constant nagging from social media ads? How do we manage while living in a capitalistic society that thrives on our insecurities, compelling us to strive for perfection? How do we break from the vicious cycle and stop believing the shameless campaigns telling us we’re inadequate? How can we learn to navigate social media while resisting the constant pressure to be better, fit in, or conform to trending fads?
We focus on the one thing we can control: Ourselves.
While we overcontrolled folks might feel the urge to fight the system or quit social media altogether, this only addresses part of the problem. What it misses is the deeper issue: Our feelings of unworthiness.
Instead of seeking external solutions, we need to turn inward and learn from these challenges. Thanks to therapies like Radically Open Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (RO-DBT), I've gained a framework for doing just that.
RO-DBT flips the script on problems, seeing them as opportunities for growth. The core principle of 'radical openness' encourages us to lean into discomfort, not shy away from it. Self-enquiry is a powerful tool that helps us ask insightful questions to uncover more about ourselves, our lives, and our hidden biases.
RO-DBT recognizes that growth happens outside our comfort zone. As the saying goes,
'We don't know what we don't know.'
To truly grow, we need to embrace new experiences and respond flexibly to life's curveballs.
After diving into a new experience or confronting discomfort head-on, we can practice self-enquiry. This involves asking thoughtful questions that challenge us and push us closer to our 'edge,' or our personal unknown.
If you wish to continue exploring this topic, I've included a list of self-enquiry questions below.
Best of luck on your journey.
And as always, make sure to stay...
Self-Enquiry Practice: Challenging the Myth of "Not Good Enough"
***Friendly reminders for newcomers: Self-enquiry is best done in short intervals (approximately five minutes) over a week or two. The goal is to find good questions, not an answer. Additionally, be cautious of quick answers, as they may reflect old patterns of learning.***
How open are you to thinking differently about yourself or even changing the myth that you aren’t good enough?
If you aren’t open, or only partly open, then what might this mean?
How does holding on to this myth help you live more fully? How might changing this myth help you live more fully?
What might your resistance to change be telling you? Is there anything to learn from it?
What does holding on to this myth tell me about myself?
What do I fear might happen if I momentarily let go of this myth?
What is it that I need to learn?
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